Friday, February 24, 2017

Oh Noes!! 2: Attack of the Space Burger! (Xbox Live)

Checkpoints OFF
1 Difficulty level
13 Stages
Ship speed fixed
- - - - - - -
Developed by Executive Iguana Studios
Published by Executive Iguana Studios in 2012

For this game I had initially written an introductory paragraph that made absolutely no sense whatsoever, thinking it was a fitting way to start the post. However, upon proofreading the whole text I realized it would only scare away the couple of readers who're still with me, so I changed my mind. Well, I'm a shmup buff and I would have been scared away... The reason for the unreason came from the concept of Oh Noes!! 2 and its assumed foolishness, let alone its supposed lack of value starting with the title. But you know what? Attack of Space Burger! totally makes up for that, it's what sold me in the first place!

Jokes aside, I did of my own sane volition decide to play this game. While playing I showed stills and videos of it through Whatsapp to a few friends who indulge themselves exclusively in current-gen racing and fighting games. What the fuck is this shit?!, they'd say. I giggled a bit and kept firing up some more credits. Because you know… in my opinion we need to have a dose of wacky shit in our video games every now and then, if only to break the pace of real life stuff and more serious gaming from time to time.

In essence, what we have here is the journey of a cosmic burger entity who descends on our planet to exert revenge upon humans for centuries of abuse against the burger master race, horribly tainted by hundreds of despicable, evil fast food chains. It’s a tale of apocalyptic reckoning, and I must confess that being able to incarnate a flying burger invested in a human killing frenzy does come with a singular, warped sense of humor.

Humans will suffer

Our gigantic foolish-looking burger, who’s probably got the largest hitbox I’ve ever seen, floats and abducts humans with his tractor beam while shooting deadly laser bursts from his piercing eyes. The left analog stick controls the burger, the right analog stick shoots/dictates shot direction and the tractor beam is always active. One point is scored for every human killed/abducted and also for every enemy vessel destroyed (machineguns, cars, tanks, jets), but if you want a score-hungry type of burger you’d better focus on flesh rather than metal since it takes only one shot to kill a human but several to destroy anything else.

Disincarnated humans scream in agony as their blood splashes onto the screen. In contrast with the black and white scrolling backgrounds, which just like the main character is openly inspired by old Hollywood movies, the resulting effect is visually pleasing and fun at the same time. Abducting humans is often better than killing them if you're going the survival route, simply because that’s the shortest way to fill up the blood lust gauge, a resource that allows you to unleash a series of special attacks by pressing button B. The type of attack depends on how full the gauge is (must be at least 50%) and include the burger dropping beans and humans from its ass, as well as good old godlike invincibility.

A single lifebar on the top left represents your whole health, so do your best not to get hammered to the point of dying, otherwise humanity will have won the war. Burger justice does not wait and the game goes on and on with no pause between levels, as indicated by the timer that shows how long it will take for the next “stage” to start. The good news is that with every new level (except for a boss fight) a small portion of your lifebar is refilled, alongside a message that doesn’t mean absolutely nothing regarding a leveling up effect. You’ll never earn any real upgrade for your eyes of wrath and no item of any kind whatsoever is to be expected, after all you’re a celestial burger, an all-powerful harbinger of death that should be worshipped by those puny humans for your default might and beauty alone.

A genocidal burger lands on your XBLIG
(courtesy of YouTube user and developer Lee Philips)

But alas! Cosmic purging does not come without pain. Remember that touching humans won't harm you, but getting shot at and touching machinery will. There will also be stronger foes in your way, for humans are a sneaky little bastard race who’ll do whatever it takes to defend their fast food chains, including the slaving of innocent animals with the purpose to wage war. So prepare to face a ferocious boss at every fourth stage, including Ecco the Dolphin, poor old Red Crab and also the fallen protagonist of the first Oh Noes!!, which just happens to be the mightiest human-slaying chicken you’ll ever lay your eyes on. Seeing is believing, so if you doubt my words why not be a man and step up to the challenge?

As the second chapter in a series that had absolutely nothing serious to offer and would never be seen by any regular gamer, Oh Noes!! 2 is just proud to be one of those titles that makes lots of success with drunk people. Color me guilty! Every time I played it I was sipping something on the side, laughing and swearing in equal measure. The swear part came from the thermonuclear pidgeon that puts an end to the game after the 13th wave. At first I was really angry, but after giving it some thought it all made sense… Just like the most puzzling horror flicks of the 30s, this abrupt closure is absolutely in line with the mood of the game and terminates the experience on a high wacky note.

Since this is a shoot'em up, overall it's definitely an improvement over the limited, botched gameplay of the first Oh Noes!!. And this is the best 1CC high score my killing burger was able to achieve:

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